Followup to: “I know nothing and everything at once”

It’s been a tough week. A week ago today, I found out that my relationship with JB was a lie… I question the validity of everything that happened over the last 3 months.

I’ve tried to keep busy, tried not to linger on the negative, stressful and distracting emotions. I noticed that ever since JB left, my skin has been clearing up. My allergies started to flare up about a month after I got here, about the same time I met JB. He joked, “you must be allergic to me!” Perhaps it’s true cause my skin isn’t as itchy as hell anymore. Strange.

It was his birthday yesterday, and I sent a card a week and a half ago - before knowing the truth. I also sent a card that all the guys signed… I hope he appreciates it and realizes how much care we had for him… unfortunately he didn’t live up to his end of the bargain.

So he decided to write “one last time” last night:

“I got your letter today.  I’ve written you a lot and I guess I realize now that you are trying to move on.  I didn’t realize that falling out of love with me would be so easy.  I understand that I was dishonest with you in the beginning but the feelings are real.  I really know that now because of how hurt I am as well as you are.  I assume we are both suffering, I don’t think falling out of love with me is easy to do.  You letter was sweet and I will cherish as it’s probably the last time I will hear from you.  You have several emails from me on your gmail account and I assume you are reading them and just not responding.  I really wish you’d reconsider your future with me but I think it’s pretty obvious by your silence that you aren’t at all.  I’m only sending this to your AKO account so that I KNOW you will get it just in case you haven’t checked your gmail.

I do miss you terribly and I do love you.  I’m sure with time of you not talking to me or communicating at all that I will heal, but for now it’s still very real and very heart felt.  I thought with the love you had for me that even with my dishonesty that we’d make it through it. It wouldn’t be easy but I thought I’d meet the one.  I really did.  Anyway I will stop now.  I hope the best things in the world will happen for you and that you meet the one very soon.  I’ll settle for loving you and lost, then to not know you at all.  Sorry for the pain I’ve brought to your world, but all I ever wanted to bring to your world is happiness….I’ll leave you alone now unless you contact me wanting to communicate….

PS.  This is work related.  If you haven’t done so on your new image for you new machines you will either need Dave to include the Activeclient 6.1 in the image or install it from your file server.  You will also probably need to contact Jessica and have her pick up some card readers from small computers, they have plenty.  Thought about that the other night and just wanted to make sure you knew about it.

I will miss you, your touch, and your love….”

I’ve only written to him once - as much as I love him, I refuse to write to him again because I know I just can’t string this along anymore. I dwell on whether the love I have for him is real because it was built upon a falsehood. I weigh in my mind the disadvantages/advantages of staying with him vs moving on. I know that if I stay with him, the trust may not come back completely, what else will he lie about? Will he fall out of love with me 10-15 years down the road as he did with his wife?  Especially if 3 other kids who aren’t my own are in the picture. The financial burden on him will be significant and not of my doing.

And then the compassionate side of me thinks (back to my spiel about how I shouldn’t be a hypocrite) that if I really love him that I should give him a chance. I don’t know. Am I doing the right thing? I just know that  time is needed. Time to sort things out because right now his head and life are a tangled mess, and it’s extremely selfish of him to drag me into it, especially without me knowing a lick of what was going on. Perhaps in the future, once things are sorted out, perhaps it’ll work, if it’s meant to be. But I need to trust what signs have been put out there for me and realize that this was a danger warning - stand back! do not enter!

My head hurts… but I must stay strong.

Followup to “I was never yours and you were never mine to begin with”:

So Stugats decided to write a freakin’ novella to me last night. It set my day off – I already had a headache to begin with, and reading this first thing this morning didn’t help things any…

Message #1:

“It’s late where you are right now. I know I shouldn’t write you anymore but I honestly just can’t give up on us. Maybe it’s easy for you? Maybe you are just so stubborn that this is the way it must be? I really don’t know. You could ignore me to the end of time and totally just stop thinking of me. It is very possible. However it’s not possible for me. I wasn’t kidding when I said I feel in love with you the moment I seen you. I just knew something was different. I just knew it, but couldn’t place my finger on it. I’m discovering now that I can’t give up on that love, I just can’t. My head is telling me to be just as stubborn as you, to ignore the feelings, but again I can’t. Call it my weakness.

I am married physically, but been divorced emotionally for a long time now. Sometimes things just don’t work out. My marriage didn’t work out. I made the mistake of not telling you but the fear of not having a chance with you scared me enough not to tell you. I could tell there was something there and if I told you I was married I’d never had a chance, you know it and I know it. How many people would trully understand a man like myself and the position I’m in? Now I didn’t even give you a chance to understand my perdiciment and for that I’m sorry but man I’m not sorry for getting to know you and to love you. Even if I only have one chance at you and I ruined it, then so be it, because I got to know you and love you. I may have lost you for good, but damn it I found my soulmate and for three months I got to be with you. If I get no more time with you, I have that three months to love you and to show you the love I have for you. I’m not one to beg, but I’m not one to just give up either. That should be evident by my marital status. I’m still the same man you feel in love with, I just made a mistake. If that is the only mistake that we’d have in our relationship we’d be so lucky. If this was the only time that one of us will be hurt we’d be so lucky. My marital status is going to change and I will be divorced. That will occur, I just hate to think that the love I have for you has to go as well.

I’m still funny, compassionate and full of love (just a bit more depressed). I still love you and can’t deny my feelings as well as you have. For that reason I’m not ready to call it quits. When I told you I had stuff to handle back in Alabama I meant I had stuff to handle. However my intentions have been to be with you! This isn’t something that can’t be overcome. This isn’t something we couldn’t get past. People who trully love one another get past stuff all the time and we could if both were willing. Maybe that is it, you aren’t willing? I don’t know? We both have had some bad things go on in the past, but we’ve got to where we are now because of our persiverence. I guess I think you are worth it and you don’t think I am? I really don’t know. However I refuse to say this is the last email. I wish to be stronger but I’m still very much in love with Shafinah Rosauro and I can’t get that feeling to stop. So hate me if you must, never talk to me again if that’s your wish, but never forget that Jonathan Bartlett is still very much in love with you and isn’t ready to give up. Tomorrow I leave to walk my sister down the aisle and then go see mom and sonny, so you may get lucky and not see another email for awhile. The sin I commited by not telling you is forgiveable and we can work past it, however it’s something you got to want to do and I have to be worth it. Right now I’m taking it that I’m not and you have the right to feel that way. However we both are still very much in love with each other I believe (even if you are still very angry).

I’m not writing this to get a response, I just sometimes need to get things off my chest and let you know what I’m thinking.”

Message 2:

“I know that in most cases what I did would be unforgivable, that the trust would never be built back up. I think it can be built up and I also know that I’d be willing to fight for our relationship. If I give up and stop fighting then I lose a bigger piece of myself with you. I’ve got to fight for that piece and I hope you understand that. You could just turn me down cold and you could just stop loving me, but I don’t work that way. Our relationship is very important to me and I want to make it up to you, but you may not be willing to do the same or forgive me for that matter. However I’m going to try anyways. The worse you could say to me is no, but I must try. I won’t disrespect you by stalking you or causing you problems but I just want to give us a fighting chance and if it’s not something you interested in, then I’ll do my best to understand…”

Message 3:

“Please don’t be angered by all the emails. I just don’t have any other way of communicating with you. I’m just trying my best to sort through all the emotions I have going on and it’s not that easy for me. You can just ignore the emails, delete them before you read them, or whatever you want to do. However I just have to express myself, I may not be the best communicator on some things but on others I’m very good. I have missed you like crazy and hate not hearing from you. I realized today what I did was huge to you and I’m sure you won’t be able to forgive me for the lie I told, but I must try to see if there is anything to salvage. I need you to understand I’ve got to try. Maybe it is that you don’t feel as strongly about me as I do about you and if that is the case then I’ll deal with it. Maybe you just need time? Either way I’ve got to try. Just don’t get angered by the emails, please, I just have to sort through my emotions and to do that I’ve got to express them. I don’t regret doing anything I’ve done because I got the chance to love you and I’d rather love you and lose you then not love you at all. I wish I’d told you the whole truth in the beginning though. It’s easy to see our mistakes after we’ve made them more so then in the moment.”

Message 4:

“I’m officially became a stalker….Yes that is me a stalker, I’ve written you four times in the matter of like 2 hours. I’d consider me a stalker Anyway why write now? I mean you’ve already read, like three emails from me, so what is a forth? Or maybe you’ve read this one first and still have three to go? Well this is just me trying to sort myself out and it’s difficult for me to dismiss you as my soulmate. I re-read your email from a few days ago and I can see you dismissed me. I didn’t realize I guess that you fell out of love with me already? You made that comment at the bottom of your email. Well for me it’s not so easy so that is why I’m writing so much. Plus I really don’t have anyone else to share it with right now. Amy reminded me of how big of a deal it is for you. I guess I just didn’t let myself realize that. I mean I know it’s a big deal. I did lie to you after all. Of course I’m on this end of the situation and not on yours so maybe that’s it? Is it that impossible for us to overcome? Is there no hope in giving it a shot? Again I’m on my end and you are on yours. Maybe you can’t see past it? Maybe you can’t continue to love me? Lucky for you is I’ll be on the road the next few days. I leave tomorrow after paying my lawyer fee’s. You may never understand this, but sometimes it’s easier doing things that don’t make sense to everyone.

I love you with all that I have and that was never a lie, please believe that. You stated you didn’t know who I was in your last email to me. Well I’m still the same guy I was, I’m just a guy who made a mistake with what he said. That’s all that is different. Plus I said it all before I knew you like I do now and it was even more difficult to tell you after the fact. Everything else was real. My love and compassion was for you. My kindness and caring was for everyone that I encountered. I didn’t do it to get anything out of it. I like recongnition, so don’t get me wrong, but I never helped others expecting it. All the work I did for you and the guys was because I cared for you all. Please don’t think I had other intentions.

Anyway this will be my last email of the night, I have things I’ve got to get done before tomorrow and some things I haven’t started. Just so you know Sonny is doing good, mom complained that he sleeps all the time but I reminded her that he needs it. I’m looking forward to seeing him, maybe give mom a break in taking care of him. Mom talked about going hiking with me while I”m up there because they have caves up there. So maybe I’ll get some mom/son time while I’m there. Anyway write back if you want, if not I do understand. If you want me to stop writing you all together just tell me to stop and I will, you don’t have to be mean or anything. I know you said you couldn’t even be my friend, but I was hoping that was out of anger, maybe not but I’ve got to try. If I try and fail at least I tried…”

Well folks, the problem is - is that he’s not the same guy, at least to me. And we all know that life is all about perception. I perceived him to be a single, honest guy who would always give me the straight scoop on things, a guy who would tell me what is really going on in his life. I have been deceived and lied to many times in my life, and don’t desire to have that as the start to a relationship. I’m still extremely hurt by the fact that the man I fell so deeply in love with could keep this HUGE secret from me. This was completely selfish of him - and presumptuous for him to say that I wouldn’t have given him a chance. Factored it in to the equation? Of course. But find out now through an indirect source, after I asked him straight up? It was horrible - to see his “devotions” about missing his family… all combined with epithets from the Bible and Christianity mixed in… and then the page on CNN that talks about him heading home to his family… this family that I knew nothing (and still don’t know anything) about. I felt shattered because I wanted to be with someone whom I could experience fresh new things with, not to be someone’s runner-up wife with runner-up kids.

So many questions come up, like “When was he going to tell me? Was he ever going to tell me or was I going to discover it when it was too late? What else is he hiding from me?” I know that if I stay with him, these questions will linger, there will always be the seed of doubt in my mind. And as much as I love him, I will never trust him completely again. I don’t even know if his family lives near him, I don’t know his kids names… I just don’t know anything for sure right now. How can he expect me to trust anything he says after keeping this a secret, one that he should have been honest about from the get go?

At the same time, I don’t want to be a total hypocrite. I have done my own fair share of bad shit, my own share of cheating, some of it I’ve been honest about, others I haven’t. During my last long-term (2.5 yr) relationship with McKenzie, I cheated on him and didn’t let him know for 6 months. I loved him, I wanted to be with him, and it turned out that he cheated on me too. And as much as we loved each other, our trust had disintegrated past the point of no return… in the end we were constantly fighting, and the love was leaving us… and it was more than due time to let go.

I know plenty of couples, who cheat on each other, who mess around. I don’t want to do that to my partner; I’d rather be honest and say “hey, things aren’t working” rather than mess around behind his back. I’ve learned my lesson… I know that people can reform, because I have. The big question is: can JB reform?

That’s not my only question. I have a lot of them. He hasn’t even begun to explain what his true situation is. If he really wants to be honest and forthright with me, he would just come out with it all. No need for the “I still love you, I still miss you” gushy talk. I still love him too. Well, at least the JB that I knew before all the lies, the person I fell so deeply in love with, the only person I felt was my soulmate.

But now I feel like I know everything and nothing all at once.

People who know me well know that I’ve had a pretty rough childhood and my parent’s relationship was far from what’s conducive to a child. They were constantly fighting over something, and usually it was money or something related to that. I don’t want to be with a person who has a ton of financial obligations, especially when it comes time to start our own family, I don’t want to constantly have to worry about making ends meet because my husband’s gotta pay child support for 3 other kids who aren’t mine. 3 other kids that he didn’t want to factor into our relationship until it was convenient for him (and not convenient for me) because as much as he says that I’m the only one that he sees, the most important thing in his life, it isn’t true. His kids are the most important thing in his life. And most of all, I don’t want to have to keep on worrying about whether I am being lied to – whether there’s still some hidden secret that I don’t know about.

I know that there’s one thing that needs to happen here… and that’s time. Time to sort things out in life. Time to figure out whether some things are worth forgiving. Time to think about making the right decisions, those that lead to happiness.

Followup to “The Truth about Love in Iraq”:

I thought he’d stop writing, after I told him I didn’t want to talk to him again, but stugats (Italian for dickhead) just kept on:

Tuesday:

“Last one, I promise I’m going to try not to write you anymore..

I know I said I wouldn’t write you again but I want to make sure you understand some things….

I lied to you about my marital status and children and I’m sorry about that. I can’t and won’t think of an excuse to give you on that. What I do know for certain is the fact that I loved you with all that I have. I never lied about loving you and caring about you. My intentions was to take care of all that I had to here to be with you because I truly believe you to be my soulmate. I still believe that, but I understand you need to move on. I understand you can’t be with me because of that dishonesty. Whomever you do find for your future will be a lucky man. Hopefully he is just as strong and stubborn as you are.. You need an equal, someone who can handle you because I know no matter what you’ll be able to handle whomever is in your life. Please don’t hold my sins against you against the next guy. I had good intentions in mind, I just made a few bad choices as I have in my life on several occasions.

I will continue to love you even as you move on. I will try to not write you after this, it may prove to be very difficult, but I’m going to try. I will try to stay busy but I won’t be able to take my mind off of you. I haven’t been able to take my mind off of you since I meet you. If in the future I can meet a woman that is half of everything you are, then I will be a lucky man. In my heart you will always be my baby…

JB”

My Reply:

“I need you to understand that you hurt me, beyond anything I’ve ever
felt. I thought you were my soulmate, but soulmates don’t do this to
each other. You knew my heart was in your hands, and you said that you
would take care of it, but you didn’t. You knew that I wanted total
honesty, but you chose not to be honest from the get-go, and I cannot
trust you anymore. Trust is the foundation of all relatioships, most
of all marriages. I am a forgiving person, but to start a relationship
that has a false foundation would be foolish. I wish that you would
have given me a chance to understand your life situation (in all it’s
fucked up glory and honesty) rather than to make the decision for me.

I was hoping that you would be the only man who wouldn’t regret
breaking up with me, because I hoped that we would never break up, but
that hope was built upon the falsehood of what I thought was our
relationship. I don’t know who you are anymore, I don’t know what to
trust. What’s even sadder is that you disappointed these guys here,
the guys who grew to love you as I did, they thought we were the real
deal. They opened their hearts because I had opened my heart to you. I
was also seriously disappointed with your postings on your church
site, maybe you should start discussing what needs to be fixed in YOUR
life instead of what guidance the bible gives in rhetorical
situations.

The fact that you’re STILL married and had an affair with Amy and
STILL not divorced shows me that you haven’t learned from your past. I
hope that you will, but I’m not going to be around for that. As much
as I loved you, I can’t stay friends, I can’t try to make it halfway,
I just can’t. I have to move on, I deserve the best. And once I find
the best fit for me, I know it will be forever, because I know that
falling out of love and leaving him will never be an option.

Good luck..”

Tuesday, yet again:

“Understood and I will forever leave you alone. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I do understand that I hurt you and I too hurt myself. I have no one to blame but myself. I understand you can’t be my friend either, I’ll let you go and take care of my fucked up life and go from there. I did love you with all that I had and this hurts me too. I wish I’d done things differently but I didn’t and I’m the blame. Good luck to you in all that you do.”

Tuesday (apparently he doesn’t know how to keep his promises about leaving alone, no fucking surprise there):

“Just one more added thing. Thank you, thank you for being wonderful and understanding. You were there for me when no one else was and I thank you for that. You loved me when others stopped a long time ago. Most are never lucky to truly love someone and I truly loved you and felt that love back. You wanted to truly take care of me and I’ve only had that once before. It gives me hope that out there somewhere someone will want to take care of me again. I’ve been sick over this for quite some time and wanted to tell you all way before now. However I didn’t, for whatever reason, probably just the fear of losing you which is what happened anyway.

My past is what it is, my past. I made mistakes and tried different things to see what works. I realized a long time ago that my marriage wasn’t working any longer. I just know it’s not going to be easy and my spouse isn’t going to allow it to be cheap. It’s not easy paying for a divorce and two house payments, which is what I was doing. I’m not the kind of guy to stop taking care of his responsibilities. So I’ve got a long painful process ahead of me. How was I going to keep it from you, that I don’t know. I think you asked that on the phone.

Anyway thank you, you are wonderful and easy to love. I know you are hurt and very angry with me, so I expect nothing in return. I just hope that when you aren’t so hurt and angry with me that you will read this and look back and understand a little bit. Just know that I love you ( I can’t say loved yet it’s too soon because my heart still loves you). Thanks so much for all that you did for me. Do with the jersey what you wish, I’d rather not have it back, it would actually hurt more than help.”

I already burned the jersey in a fucking bonfire last night, so that’s non-refundable buddy.
Wednesday (the horse is already dead, man!):

“My dearest SMP,

You will always be my SMP, no one will tauke that away. I’ve decided that I’m deleting this account and just wanted to write yo one last time before doing so. The last few days I’ve checked this account probably 50 times to see if you’ve written me even though I know you are a woman who keeps her word. You said you won’t be there and you won’t, I have faith in that. Speaking of faith, you’ve used mine against me. I know it may seem as if I’m a hypocrite sometimes with what I write compared to what I do. Trust me I can see it and understand it, and it’s truly a struggle for me. I try my best not to write anything that would be considered hypocritical but we all do things sometimes we wish we hadn’t. I don’t understand where my faith or belief is right now. I’ve struggled with that for years, but I’ve done my best to get a grasp on it. That is why when I meet you and you seemed so down to earth on the subject, it allowed me for the first time to relax and not be pressured.

You know one of the first things about you that attracted me to you besides your sexiness? It was just the way you think about things, yes you are analytical, but you seem so down to earth and matter of factly. It was relaxing. Almost unbelievable. Then came the ultimate question and how do I answer it? Now it would be so easy to say that I should of just answered truthfully and left it at that, but in my messed up head I didn’t. You asked if I had been married or if I had kids, my answer was no to both, which we both know was untrue. Now my marital status says married but the marriage has been over for awhile and you’d think I would of gotten a divorce so long ago. However it’s so easy to look on the outside and say well this is the way it should be. However we both know looking at our parents that well things don’t always happen as we want them too. So here I am with three wonderful kids and a woman I’m not in love with. I still care for her but lost that love a long time ago. So why still married? I really don’t know. It all started with a separation to see if we could work things out, then we decided to see other people, then we tried to work it out, then we seriously talked divorce, then I left for Iraq. That’s all in a span of about 5 years, sometimes I don’t know where the time went. Alabama has alimony laws and such so I know even with a fight I’ll get hammered and I’m not going to “not” take care of my kids. They come first. So that is how I came to being married in Iraq and meeting you. I can only truly love one woman at a time, when I was separated I tried to play the “dog” and for me it just doesn’t work. My emotions can’t handle it. Why tell you all of this? To get back together? No, I just want to help you understand a little bit of where we are and why we are there.

So I did and do love you with everything that i have to give. I understand I had your heart in my hand and crushed it with my lie. I also understand that you can’t start a relationship based on lies. However know and understand that the only lie told was about my status, not about my love or feelings. All of those were as true as true could be. Everything I felt and did was true to me. It was because of the love and admiration I have for you. I can’t take back what I did but hopefully one day you will be able to forgive me. You were my one and only for a short time and I will cherish that forever. I’m filing on Friday and then heading out of town for a week or so. Mom and Sonny don’t need me around for that long, especially while Sonny is still trying to heal. My sister forgot my birthday so I told her she should be married on the 31st so she’ll never forget it again:). I’m thinking I’m still going to move regardless, I need to find a job somewhere where I’m happy, I’m not all that happy at Honeywell. Speaking of careers, think long and hard in a couple of years before doing anything with your military career. Look at the guard if you have too but I wouldn’t give up 11 years, especially with all the traveling that the military has allowed you to do. I also know that in the active duty world the tempo for which your job goes at would make it difficult to stay:).

As much as it pains me to say goodbye to you, because I never wanted to say good bye to you, I will. I’m leaving this account open until tomorrow night as I wait for my friends to reply so that I know they know that I’m deleting this account. So it will be open for a day or so and then gone. I will miss you forever as I do already. I will always love you for you are the only woman that has even come close to the perfect woman in my eyes. Try not to work too hard and take your breaks as you need them.

Forever missing you,
Jonathan”

How does he expect me to believe a word he says now, after the shit he’s pulled? If I stayed with him, I would do nothing but worry about the same vicious cycle happening 5-10 years down the road. I will not be guilt-tripped or suckered into a mistake that leads to yet another fucked up relationship to write about in my life’s storybook. I’d probably end up killing the guy if he ever pulled that shit. Just kidding. Maybe just cutting him is more realistic. HA.

This evening, my CDR (married for 15 years with 4 girls) said something to the effect of, “I’ve learned that calling a person ‘yours’ just isn’t true – my wife and kids aren’t ‘mine’ to control, we’re all our own beings that operate independently, we’re just lucky enough to be in each other’s lives to share love, memories and experiences.” I thought that was very Zen of him, and enlightening. It made me rethink my attitude towards healing. After an event like this, it’s easy to focus on fear - of being alone, of making the wrong decisions, of making mistakes, of experiencing failure. I had to re-steer myself, realizing that enjoying every day, enjoying what I have, and being thankful for all of the ups and downs in life is what makes life worthwhile, what makes me stronger. Undoubtedly, I will go on being me, because there’s someone out there who will appreciate me for me, and who wants to share love, life, respect, honesty & trust. Just like my friends & family… thank you all for your support. Thank you for loving me for me. I really couldn’t ask for more

As you may know, I am currently deployed to Iraq, 2 months left to go. When my coworkers joked that I would find a husband and be pregnant when I came back, I just laughed. I never would have dreamed that the following course of events would unfold in a short span of 4 months.

I met Jonathan Henry Bartlett AKA “JB” here on station, through his assistance with some computer problems that we were having on the AF network. He was the AF network main sys admin. It started off with some non-serious conversation via e-mail and progressed into friendship over a few weeks. We got along from day one, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with him over the time that we spent together. He was funny, smart, easygoing and really seemed to care. He said that he had never been married or had kids, that he was religious but not hard-core, and he seemed to have his head on his shoulders. And most of all, it seemed as though he could read me, he understood me so well, unlike anyone I’ve ever known. We agreed that we were each other’s true loves, soulmates, that we wanted to be together forever. He told me that once he got home he would sell his house, quit his job and move up to Alaska so that we col be together.

We both knew his impending depature would come sooner than expected, the months just flew by. He did some great things for us here in the office, that I cannot deny. Everyone in my office treated him like one of their own. We even gave him a farewell gift when he left - a custom-embroidered flag with his name on it. Most of all, I gave him my heart when he left, hopeful of all the promises made to each other, hopeful to finish off this deployment and see him again.

Then I receive a call from a friend who said “I think Bartlett’s married”. My heart skipped a beat. I tried not to believe it was true, but the evidence was undeniable:

-Postings on his church website, Super Holy Christian rants, mentioning that he had family, wife, kids:

http://westgatechurchofchrist.org/component/option,com_fireboard/Itemid,65/func,showcat/catid,18/

-Posting on CNN.COM taking about surprising his family when coming home from deployments:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/05/26/ch.feedback/index.html

I called him up, confronted him about it. He said that he “was going to tell me” - I asked him why the FUCK would he lie about this in the first place when I asked him POINT BLANK: “have you ever been married or had kids”… the answer was no, but the truth is that he’s still married, “separated” for 3 years (whatever the FUCK that means) with 3 kids to boot. I told him “take your freakin commandment and shove it up your ASS.”

His e-mail to me:

“As you have expressed this will be my last email to you if you truly want it to be.

Lets start at the beginning and this is just so you know not for any other reason. All my growing up is true, everything I told you about that is true. My past relationships minus this one is also true, those things really happened and those people really existed. Now five years ago after my youngest was born, I realized that I had changed as a person and I wasn’t in love with my spouse. Now there is love there but not the romantic love. I realized and thus begin to change myself into someone I didn’t recognize. I felt I had too, I was so young when I married I thought so I changed alot the wrong direction. So I meet Amy, whom was married as well. Thus began a two and a half year relationship and at the beginning I seperated from my spouse. I seen my kids on a regular basis. We tried to work it out once and it didn’t work, thus I volunteered to go to Iraq so that I could afford the divorce. It won’t be easy to divorce in this state. I want to take care of my kids for sure, but as far as the other, I want it to be quick. We both cheated on each other, I really don’t know who did it first.

I didn’t plan on our relationship to go as far as it did and I should of told you in the beginning. However I can’t take back what is already done. I just found my soulmate and was for the first time willing to leave my kids for my soul mate. I’m not leaving them forever and figured to have them up there as often as possible. You may very well not want anything to do with me, and I do truly understand. I wouldn’t want anything to do with me either. I’m sorry I lied to you. I never lied about loving you, I can’t love two woman at one time. I’ve tried and I can’t. I love you and it may not seem that way because of where we are now. My lies weren’t intentional although they may seem as such. I knew I had to tell you and I wanted to a long time ago, but it was difficult. I know you will never want to speak to me and again that’s understandable. On my church’s website trust me I feel enough guilt on that one, I am a good writer, but I truly don’t know where I am now.

I do love you and truly love you deeply, you are going to prepare yourself and your heart to move on but I will still be here loving you. I can’t change the way I feel, but I will respect your wishes and won’t contact you again. I won’t beg or pry. I would do whatever I could to win you back but you aren’t that type of person, you are type A, and you don’t strike me as the type that wants to be begged. You know what you want and if you really want it, you will go after it.

I’m sorry I lied, I’m sorry to have hurt you it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I will continue to love you, be safe and be careful for the duration of your deployment. You will always be in my thoughts and my heart.

I love you…”

I know the truth now about JB, and I’m devastated. I had to find out on my own, and the truth was not given to me when I asked… I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be with him, as much as I love him I will always doubt, it will always be in the back of my mind. And “soulmates” should never feel that way, bittersweet. I never would have dreamed that my heart would have loved as it’s never loved before and then broken because of lies and deception. I’m starting over from square one again.

There are times when I really want to be irrational. Which is completely out of character for me… but I’m feeling the urges. I notice that I’ll feel a need to escape whenever I’m under stress, deadlines, pressure. The only thing that really keeps me on course is being seriously sensible and knowing that the end product/goal/accomplishment is worth the patience and perseverance.

So I’m deploying, real soon. Before that, I move my household goods into storage. Again. All of this is happening within the course of one week… looming, beckoning for me to take action. But again, that irrationality knocks. “Meh, I can wait until the last minute, there’s always time”… and then I wait until the last minute and as a result am totally frazzled and tired from staying up all night trying to accomplish what should have been done a week ago.

This all ties into how much of a procrastinator I am… as structured as I may be in some areas of my life, I am secretly famous for missing deadlines for things that are important. College classes. Getting things prepared for a move. Packing for travel. I’ll leave it all until the 11th hour.

Most of the people I work with would be pretty surprised to know this. I’m extremely structured and diligent when it comes to getting my work done. Now only if I could apply the same actions to the rest of my life. But I think that imposing extreme amounts of structure to all areas would kind of drive me nuts… drive me away from being able to delay, being able to fantasize and dream, being able to be lazy, being able to be irrational.

I suppose what I crave is a balance.. of structure and irrationality, of seriousness and fun. Being able to accomplish something while enjoying it and savoring the experience, instead of viewing it as tedious, avoiding the mundane and loss of interest.

A trick that works is listening to music. Music makes the time go by at a different pace. Music sets a different mood which can take me away from the vanilla actions. Music allows me to be irrational while accomplishing what I set out to do. But music is not the end-all solution to all situations. It can distract me from things I need to do, so I have to be conscious of my goals.

This self-analysis is really kind of strange, yet eye-opening. A bit of a motivator for me to turn on the tunes and get sorted out…

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than learning from experience,

and that is not learning from experience.”

— Archibald MacLeish

My friend Maggie posted a bulletin questionnaire, and one of the questions asked, “what do you want to do before you die?” A book (entitled Things to Do Before You Die, or something like that, can’t remember the author) can’t even wrap up all of the possibilities of things to do before I die, much less 3 slots on a bulletin questionnaire.  I thought to myself, “there are goals that I’d like to accomplish: have a career that I love, get a pilot’s license, travel the world…” and then I thought “well if I died tomorrow, would I be at peace with what I’ve accomplished thus far?”  And you know what?  I would. 

One of the things that contributes to this peace is having good people in my life.  Not just good, but great.  Probably in my top 5 reasons why I wake up in the morning and smile :-) I have faith that my loved ones will always be there for me.  And I truly value that.  I miss those who are far away from me, which is one of the most difficult aspects of being in the military.  It’s real hard when I can’t be there for them (in a physical sense) when they face difficulties.  I get tired of talking on the phone, I really want to give everyone a hug and look them in the eyes to let them know how much they mean to me.   I don’t think I can ever tell someone enough just how much I love having them in my life.  I don’t think I tell people enough.  But people who know me are well aware that I really feel that way, they know that I am there for them no matter what.  Without me having to tell them.  But it’s nice to say, and nice to hear the sentiment, after all, what are love and compassion without communication and interaction?

Yesterday, one of my colleagues noted that I looked happy and asked, “are you in love?” Not being in an intimate relationship gives one a lot of free time to  introspect.  Incidentally, I’ve been doing a lot of introspection over the past couple of weeks about how I conduct relationships… both platonic and intimate.  The other day I realized that I’ve really matured over the past year as far as my expectations for relationships and the standards to which I hold my self and others.  So maybe the answer is that I’m ”in love” with myself.  Not in a narcissistic way or anything, but I’ve come to peace with who I am as a person.  I’ve always believed that peace is the first and most important step in the path to happiness in all things, particularly in relationships.  Having confidence in myself, honesty, standards, freedom, choice, strength to pursue the right thing, and not being scared of new experiences helps too.  I think I’ve always had these qualities,  but they’ve wavered over the formative years.  I didn’t have the best of relationship role models in my childhood years, so finding and conducting successful ones has been a bit of a trial and error process.  But something I have always been is myself.  Whether I or others liked it… or not.   I know how and who I am and accept that. 

Don’t get me wrong, like everyone else, I have my moments of insecurity, especially after perceived failures.  Not all of my acquaintances have turned into great friends, into great loves.  I’ve de-friended several people for the sake of the relationship not being genuine, not being loyal, not being truthful, not being respectful.  Then those inevitable questions come to the forefront, the ones that make me toss and turn at night: ”What went wrong?”  “Am I approaching people the right way?”  “Saying the right things?”  Something that always seems to re-center me is one of my Mom’s favorite sayings, “actions speak louder than words.”  Regardless of the cliche, I put a lot of value into this statement and it’s been sort of my internal mission statement for life.  After experiencing many broken promises and disappointments early in life, I turned inwards and looked to myself for support.  I realized that no matter what I say, what I actually do is really going to exemplify how much I care.  And I try to consciously apply the right thought, the right actions to my life, to others.  It’s the least that I can do.

OK, so I know I’ve been a slacker and haven’t posted anything for over 1.5 months.  I guess I have no real excuses except that I’ve been procrastinating until the time is “right”. But I’m here to break that habit!

Really though, since I arrived here in mid-June, I’ve been moving, working, and studying like a hound. I feel worn out already! I am bound and determined to finish my BSBA while I’m up here and my Master’s. Winters will be long which should give me plenty of time to study. And get fat. But hopefully not the latter, I’m already the heaviest I’ve ever been and need to get into a good routine. It’s time to get back to logging my eating and exercise already.

So anyway - the move was atypical of a military PCS… considering that I’m a single gal, and usually PCS’ are geared towards families. New location, new people, have to find a place to live & some wheels, make new friends (at least try to find some good, drama-free, ones), moving in and getting back into a good productive routine so that every day is productive.

Despite the lack of comprehensive listings for rentals in the area, I found a duplex for rent in the North Pole - pretty decent. The landlords are great, but are moving to Fairbanks and selling this place to some friends. Not too many gripes about the place because they have been pretty responsive to my needs, which is primarily why I rented the place. No garage though, which will be a pain I’m sure during the winter. 

Also found a vehicle, the hunt for that actually took a lot longer than I anticipated - long story short, I should have bought a vehicle while I was in CoS… but oh well, shouldawouldacoulda right? Fortunately I found a posting on Craigslist for a 97 Toyota RAV4. It’s definitely in need of some serious TLC before winter rolls around - I just bought new brakes & spark plug wires to DIY, looking for new tires, and found a leak which I was doing an oil change a couple of weeks ago (perhaps ps fluid?) hopefully not too involved/expensive to fix. Arg. I found a great, honest, albeit slightly pricey (but you get what you pay for), mechanic right before I left CoS. And now the hunt is on again for a new one to help out with the major stuff.

Plus I have to find a new hairstylist… which will be another ordeal (I miss Ronelda!).

I’ll admit - more than a month has elapsed since moving into my place and I still don’t have everything organized/setup the way I want it to be.  The sense of impermanence - the feeling that once everything is in place that I’ll have to uproot again in just a few months - is something I’ve grown accustomed to even though it’s really unsettling. Perhaps that’s why my pictures are still wrapped up, leaning against the wall, why I haven’t bothered hanging them up. In some ways, I yearn to be “settled down” somewhere I like… but still haven’t found the latter part - a place where I actually feel like I’m home.

Same thing applies to relationships. I dread meeting someone special, only to realize that either of us are leaving soon… I just can’t handle the long distance thing again. Maybe for a short period of time, but really only in a serious relationship, and even then it’s quite hard. Besides, the selection here on base is looking pretty slim folks. Most potentials are either married or officers. And I don’t think I could hang with dating someone younger (esp if they’re in the Airmen ranks, which would be questionable at the very least). So, despite the odds being good - ratio of men to women being 10:1 (or something like that),  the goods are freakin odd.

I have been enjoying nature’s beauty up here. 2 Fridays ago, the morning was so clear that I saw the mountain ranges surrounding the entire valley in which the Fairbanks North Star Borough (kinda like the county) is located. Stunning. I’ve also taken some pictures of wildflowers and scenery, which I posted in my Flickr album, link on the right side of the screen.

And the ubiquitous 24 hr sunlight is finally fading to darkness at night, losing about 5 mins of daylight as each day progresses, until Winter solstice, when the Earth’s axis starts moving back towards the sun and progressively lighter again. We’ll see whether I can hang with the darkness, it’s sure going to take some getting used to.

What else? Oh yeah, being the klutz that I am, I freakin pulled my groin like a real pro. I was using the rock climing wall at U of Fairbanks a few weeks ago. On my second trip up I lifted my left leg up to the side to ascend to the next support, and heard a pop….  a sharp pain shot through my groin area when I lifted my leg up… Yeowwww!  And of course, me being a stubborn ass, I *had* to keep going but after about 5 more feet up, I couldn’t take it any longer. Never realized that it was used in so many movements - couldn’t find a painless position to sleep that night, and could barely get into my car, much less walk up the stairs to work the next day - felt like such a wimp! I would have rather pulled my groin doing something a bit more provocative than hanging like an injured spider on a wall 20 ft above ground. It’s getting better though… slowly but surely.

I did hear some sad news this week - found out that one of my former colleagues (from Schriever in CoS) passed away. Very sad… he was a closet alcoholic whose health sharply declined over the last year. He had serious liver surgery recently… I just hope that he went in peace because he had such a kind, friendly heart. It’s taken me a bit of time to process this news - always does when I lose people in my life. Been in a very contemplative mood the past few days.

Well, another late Sunday night, and I really need to roll into bed so that I can be somewhat coherent for early morning PT tomorrow… I look forward to getting my sweat on, but not looking forward to using the gang showers! Watch yo’self!

Today was a great day!

Picked up my new glasses from the doctor’s office (my old ones are falling apart and uncomfortable) which came back just in time for my departure to AK on Sunday. I got a haircut from my mom’s hairstylist, which turned out OK, but I definitely miss Ronelda in Co Springs, who always did a spectacular job.

Then while I was looking around at a fabric store, I got a call from my old commander at Schriever (in Co Springs), Lt Col Thorpe-Lewis - she said that I was selected for promotion!!!! YEAHHHH!! All the hard work and studying really paid off. I tested in April - I wasn’t sure how I did on the tests (200 questions total), and I didn’t want to jinx myself. My mom met back up with me after picking up a snack from a Filipino grocery - and I was grinning ear to ear… “I wondered why you were so excited about the fiberfill!” - she said after I told her

So what does this promotion bit entail? For starters, I won’t be promoted instantly - the way the AF works is that you get notified of selection for promotion, and then the actual promotion cycle is from Aug - Jul, and they divide up the total # of folks selected by 12 and assign you a line number based on Date of Rank (DOR). So I’ll probably fall in somewhere around Mar/Apr 08 timeframe to actually sew-on/wear my rank, which will be my new DOR for TSgt (E-6)… which means more $$, respect, and responsibility! Whee! I’m excited!

We went to SF Chinatown and celebrated by having some Thai food (noodle soup & pumpkin curry w/chicken, both yummy), shopped around a little, and did some hiking through the woods in the sunset district - coincidentally as the sun was setting - absolutely gorgeous (click on pics on Flickr toolbar on the right when you’re done reading this). I rolled my right ankle a little as we hiked back to the car - we were chatting, and I’m just really accident prone. The injury wasn’t too bad just a little tender in that area - I’m icing it right now, and it should be GTG by Sunday which will be a full day of travel (my flight to Fairbanks is divided up into 3 legs, augh!). Hopefully the airports have free WiFi so that I can keep entertained. I’ll have to look into that.

Time to hit the sack! Another day of enjoying CA lies ahead…

-Shaf